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Monday, September 23 2019

Happy Birthday

Today would have been Dayna's 65th birthday. Truly a milestone for anyone to obtain but today is a pretty somber day for me. I remember on her last birthday, she had to get her drivers license renewed. Not wanting to say what she was thinking on the phone, she decided to text me that the person sitting next to her "smelled bad."

When she finally got near her number, the countdown started until she was walking out of Motor Vehicles and on the phone wanting to know what we were going to do for dinner. Of course, since it was her birthday, we went out for dinner and a quiet evening. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it.

Seventeen days later, life would come to an end for Dayna and turn upside down for me. It's hard to figure sometimes how things would have been if the situation would have changed or the outcome would have been more favorable. Life holds a lot of variables and it seems like people are like flags in the wind. Depending on which way the wind blows, that's how people's situations sway.

If she would have just had the heart attack and survived, her career in teaching would be over and we would have moved away from Nevada after her recovery. She wanted to get her Pd.D from a college in Columbia Missouri so, we probably would have moved there for her to get that done.

I knew sitting in the hospital that night that the road was going to be long and difficult but never figured losing her. We walked in together, we walk out together. That's the way it always was and I didn't see anything different this time. All the signs were good but then the radical right turn and all of that started on this day, her birthday.

Sometimes I wonder if she's flying around on her broom from place to place just being or if she's with family that had gone before her. I wonder if she sits on Stonehenge or if she walks the beaches of California like she did in her youth. There are many things I wonder and have wondered since this adventure took the turn.

Uncertainty is something I don't like and I've had a few conversations with people who claim to know what's going on over on the other side. I know that I've heard from Dayna since she died just like my mother heard from my father after he passed. What I get isn't constant but the voice is unmistakable. She doesn't tell me to lock the door, nor take out the trash or anything like that. She tells me that she loves me and she's still mine. I don't know about many people but I kind of take comfort in knowing and feeling that.

I always imagined a great party when I passed with family, friends and of course, Dayna there to greet me. I expected someone to hand me a beer and a cigarette and tell me that everything was going to be alright and laugh like I've never laughed before with people that I truly cared about and the one that I loved with everything I had. Sometimes, it's hard to hold on but we do it because there is nothing else to do.

Happy Birthday my Dayna. I miss you with all the shattered pieces of my heart.

Sunday, April 28 2019

Getting a lot of ideas, but don't want to do the project

We had ideas and plans that suddenly came crashing down on an early October morning. She always laughed and said that she thought my mother wouldn't like her but I assured her that she would. I knew her father liked me because we talked all the time and got along well. If he needed something, we were right there. The rest of the family was another story on both sides and we never pursued it until I got sick in 2001.

When our daughter graduated college, Dayna would have been so proud until the day of the graduation party. That turned out to be the reason why my side of the family doesn't talk much anymore and I for one was glad that day ended without nobody in the hospital or jail. I know, by the end of the day, I was taking many a deep breath and hoping things wouldn't get any worse and luckily, they didn't. It wasn't long after that the time came to sort things out, donate a bunch, separate things and close the house. That was a dismal day indeed.

The first thing that came into the house was Dayna's broom and that was the last thing to exit. I consulted with a witch to ensure that the movement of the broom and the use was proper so with it wrapped in a sheet, surrounded by sage and lavender (which was her favorite scent), the broom was carefully taken off the wall where she placed it and wrapped up in the sheet so her magik wouldn't escape. The door was closed that the house empty and now gone.

There hasn't been a lot of inspiration since Dayna died to anything. Some days it's hard to get up and go to the gym even after this length of time. I remember my mother looking over to my father's chair many years after he died and seeing a small tear. I use to ask her what was the matter and she'd just smile and say nothing. I knew that losing him was a very hard hit for her but I never came out and said it. Now, I know just how hard a hit it was.

Maybe one day, I'll find a muse or get inspired to do something again. People have told me in the past that some of the things I did would be hard to top but I usually could find a worthy hopeless case to get behind. Who knows, I may be able to get back to the gym five days a week. That would be impressive not to anyone else but me.

Tuesday, March 19 2019

Testing 1-2-3.. Testing

I find it funny that when people have nothing to say about something, they usually come up with some of the dumbest stuff to articulate. Let's look at death for instance because lately, it's been happening a lot. Everyone has something to say and it usually amounts to nothing at all. The stock line "sorry for your loss" is probably the dumbest thing that can be said at a time like that. Of course everyone is sorry that someone died and yes, the loss is tremendous because, like the ripple effect, it blows lives apart in one form or another. The closer you are to the person, the more devastating the loss. There are many times when no words can say or comfort anyone but still, people try and come up with something, even if it's something they saw on television to convey a thought.

Whey Dayna died, one of her family members said that they would "pray for her." Now, her being Pagan and believing that you "harm none," that was probably one of the dumbest things one could say. Another told me that they couldn't be here because they were a "pussy when it came to these things." The list goes on and on.

The best words I got were from an old lady who had lost her spouse three years before I lost Dayna. She told me that it would never get better, only different. The loss would never go away but you have to adapt to not let the pain and anger show or else it would consume you. I saw my mother go through the same thing along with Aunts and Uncles but I never saw them miss a step until one of my Aunts died. My uncle, stood at the cemetery and just lost his composure not caring what anyone thought or said at the time. There was his wife, a member of a large family and she was gone. I remember standing next to him and telling him that my grandparents were buried not more than fifty steps away. He wiped the tears from his eyes, looked at me and said "well, she'll be in good company."

Lately, people are yelling just for the sake of yelling. There is no rhyme or reason to what they say but most of the time it's just hot air being expelled to either get a rise out of others or to see who shouts the loudest. Either you're one way or your wrong according to today's standards. There is no common ground anymore because there is no intelligent discord anymore.

My father once told me that you never talk about religion, sex, or politics. Seems as though today that's what everyone wants to talk about. When the subject comes up, I usually go into my shell because I could care less about a person's politics, religion, or what they do in the bedroom. If you're proud of that, well, tell someone that cares. I like to find out the character of a person and usually, that can be found out in a minute or two. In my eyes, first impressions are the ones that matter.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in my car at a local store. Since I have a handicapped placard, I parked in the space. Within a few minutes, a policeman was standing at my window greeting me. He told me quite sternly that I had parked my car illegally. I looked at my mirror, then at the officer in confusion. He told me that where I was parked was for vans with ramps. I asked if he was going to write a ticket, which would have been close to a thousand dollars, would have made my day a disaster. He smiled and told me that I needed to move it. I smiled, said absolutely and told him to have a good day. There was no confrontation, no swearing, nothing other than a couple of words between two people. Once things were resolved, we both wished each other a good day, civilly, and went about our business. Saddens me that more things can't be settled like this.

Friday, January 4 2019

Goodbye J.C. Higgins


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Friday, December 21 2018

I am the Midnight Watchman

Something I wrote a long time ago

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Monday, December 17 2018

A blade of grass

An old Irish saying

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